hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
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cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Care for your back
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!