If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
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Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Actually cracking up @ this
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
technically true but not a great slogan
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions