Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
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Moms. The original autocorrect.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.