a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
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My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?