The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
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*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.