Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
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hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
My brain is a bad influence on me
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND