Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
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Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”