Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
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Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Imma just leave this here…………
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.