Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
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I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
The three genders
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.