You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
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“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks