Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
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News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
calling in to work dehydrated
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.