If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
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Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Someone just threatened to call me later
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
had to share :’)
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.