My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
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The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Midwest trash talk
is this store having a stroke wtf
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱