[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
You Might Also Like
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Webb. James Webb.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
#Caturday
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”