Wedding planning is organized crime.
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Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*