Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
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Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
My diet starts in January
of 2027
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Knock Knock
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
TRAIN’S HERE
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.