“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
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Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Shortcut
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.