Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
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A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
shit just got real
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely