Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
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My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
So sick of all these stupid rules
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Remember folks 😂
Woke up against my better judgement again
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”