Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
You Might Also Like
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down