If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
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Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
There is no “ea” in Tim.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.