People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
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If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
What if all the cashiers are married?
why does this building look like a guilty dog
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS