[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
You Might Also Like
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.