Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
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If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?