A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
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Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.