I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
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Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
yeet
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.