“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
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I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
I could NOT have put it better myself.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme