HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
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[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing