Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
You Might Also Like
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man