Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
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Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive