Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
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What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.