How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
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Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10