The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
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Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Ok, but like, how married are you?
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it