Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
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I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭