Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
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Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Worth a try
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.