To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
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EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
this could fix me
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
I’m awake but I object,
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”