the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
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No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day