Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
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[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Living the best life.. 😊
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there