*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
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Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
saw this in a dream
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes