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[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb