Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
You Might Also Like
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.