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*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.