I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
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winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
me doing my best
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?