Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
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Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Me driving through Toronto
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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