My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
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Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
My Guy
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
See..?
.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
*weighs self after shaving
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”