We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
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Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs