How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
You Might Also Like
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
s
oc
i
a
l
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.