You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
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My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.