you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
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daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
[screaming into the void]
MARCO