Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
You Might Also Like
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
The smoothest fall of all time
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
The future is now.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack